My 16 year old daughter rather insightfully pointed out to me that my reminders on the fridge this week have a lot of exclamation points! She was right. We laughed over it. But I think it’s indicative of something deeper these days.
After unburdening to a good friend this week, she replied, “Don’t feel the pressure that all your routines and your productivity level have to look the same as when John is home! The math doesn’t add up!” She was also right.
The math of my days doesn’t seem to be adding up lately. There are not enough hours and minutes to work through even a portion of my to-do list. The tasks that make it onto the fridge every week are the ones that feel the most urgent, but they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of all the items stacked up…that keep on stacking up.
In addition to this unruly to-do list of mine, my emotions have felt “off” this week. I don’t even really know how to describe it. I just don’t feel as steady as I normally do. Today, I was working through our school folksongs for next year, typing up the lyric sheets and adding my favourite versions to our Spotify playlist. There was one song on the schedule that I didn’t think I knew. But as I listened, I realized it was a favourite from my own growing up years.
Hearing the tune again, I could barely type through the tears. But why cry over a folksong? It was even a real upbeat, toe-tapping tune! It made no sense. Except that it does make sense.
I see myself these days as a reed swaying in the wind. I don’t feel strong and sturdy. But I’m learning to embrace the breeze. I’m realizing that if I panic at the onset of uncomfortable emotions and try to return to “normal” as quickly as possible, I might just snap. So I’m not pressuring myself to “get it together.” I’m learning to acknowledge my emotions and take them to God instead.
My goal right now is to stay emotionally flexible. Am I sad? Admit that I’m sad. Am I frustrated? Admit that I’m frustrated. Am I impatient? Admit that I’m impatient. Am I worried? Admit that I’m worried. I don’t have to be fearful of those feelings. I’m also not wallowing in them. I’m acknowledging them by bringing them to God, telling Him exactly how I’m feeling, and asking for His help and guidance.
If I were to nurse these negative emotions and keep them to myself, they would grow. Ironically, if I were to deny them and stuff them away, that would only make them grow too. So instead, I’m taking them all into the light of God’s presence, allowing myself to feel them, admitting that I don’t like how they feel, but also accepting the lessons they have to teach me — lessons in perseverance, but also lessons in rest. Lessons in bending, but not breaking.
And by the way, just to clarify…the first item on my above list means I’m leading worship this Sunday (NOT that I’m preparing to worship the sun)…in case you were getting worried!